There isn't a day that passes without me telling to myself: I think I am getting flabbier by the hour.
I usually pinch my love handles after shower in the morning and squizz them very hard. There is no pain in pinching fat.
They seem to be getting slightly thicker by the day. I have also noticed that some small spot of cellulite are starting to appear. For some reason, I've always thought that cellulite was the exclusivity of middle aged porky white English woman you sometimes see on trashy C4 TV program or on front of naff weekly magazine or anywhere if you live in UK.
I am one of them now!
But not for long as I have decided that from now on I will stick to what every French man and women do from time to time: a bastardised Dukan diet.
Dukan is a genius; a master in marketing and the King of reheated diet. Same recipe has been sold millions of times.
The real diet forces you to follow some seriously rigorous patterns that probably nobody has ever managed to stick to. A semi-cooked diet allows you to kick start the diet processes enabling your body to quickly looses its excess fat and make you look much slimmer (or malnourished) very quickly.
First of all you must stop alcohol, bread and most of carbohydrates food. No cake, no potatoes, no biscuits....
Start your day with a glass of lemon juice diluted with a bit of warm water followed by a bowl of All Bran flakes mixed with some Activa yogurt. That's it for breakfast. #
Then you must drink a minimum of 2 litres of water a day. There is a point, usually after your first litre, where you start visiting the toilet like you've never done it before.
It seems that past 1 litre, your body needs to flush out so much more than you have ever done. I don't know why but it's the norm. Everything turns clearer, especially your urine.
Lunch should be made of poached white meat with poached broccoli (slightly under cooked so it takes longer for you to chew), an apple and a slice of the darkest Ryvita toast you can find. That's all for lunch.
Afternoon is going to feel very long, so in case of a slight drop of energy or minor hypoglycaemic attack, just have a large glass of sparkling water with a slice of lemon. Sit down and wait.
French woman sometimes cheat at this stage and indulge on a single Marlboro light. I don't encourage this but if it helps....
Dinner is a simple affair consisting of 2 raw endives roughly chopped and dressed in 2 spoons of olive oil, 1 teaspoon of mustard and a pinch of salt. Followed by a bowl of braised cabbage and finished with an apple and another slice of dark Ryvitta.
More water and more water.
You are going to feel starving by the time you go to bed. But don't worry, as the French say :
Qui dort, dine!
Meaning that sleeping is as good as eating for your body (without the calories obviously!)
Stick to this for 2 to 3 weeks and I can assure that if you ave managed to survive the ordeal, you'll be amazed by the results. Bikini look and beach ready A la Francaise.